Adult Friends Sex Dating, how about this?

how about this? no editing yet. i just wrote this in one sitting. for fun. "A crowd of high-heeled women and suited men huddle under umbrellas outside of a nondescript door. The door is protected by a velvet rope and two massive bouncers, also in suits but also in white gloves, constantly on guard. The door opens periodiy and releases into the street the sounds of music, beautiful music. It beckons you inside, posses your senses, tangles you up. Behind that door is an enchanted world, where people gather to pretend like they are in a fairytale, their house of mirth. We all want to be behind that nondescript door, if only to just say that we were. "

You need to target your audience. Try this His name was Gerard he was French Canadian by birth and had recently just been thrown out of a residential 12 step program for making statues of the Rehab staff from his own feces(Gerard was an artist). Gerard gave the surly bartender quick handjob and received a draft beer as a reward .He sat down beside Jackie and let loose a ripping fart followed by some gurgling noises that indicated to Jackie it was a wet one. Their eyes locked for a moment hers alight with anticapation and his bloodshot from smoking low quality peanut butter crank for three days straight. He smiled and spit out a tooth while touching the front of his pants and Jackie instinctively knew this mans tool would be stretching her anus before the sun came up. She offered him a cigarette as an ice breaker and Gerard declined prefering his own shoplifted tobacco rolled in toilet paper. They talked till closing, Jackie about her lonelieness and Gerard repeatedly attempting to borrow forty dollars. Jackie made her move on the sidewalk in front of the bar. As Gerard was vomiting on his knees and begging Jesus to end his wretched existence with a lightning strike to the groin Jackie suggested they head back to her house for one more drink. Gerard composed him self and attempted to wipe the bile and blood of his army surplus jacket. It was a night of passion and freakish sex like Jackie had never had in awhile Gerards drug addled mind and imagination mixed with his French Canadian anal sex skills left Jackies poophole like a roadside bomb had exploded in her ass. Jackie collapsed in Gerards arms satisfied and happy , Gerard pretended to sleep and pulled scabs from his weiner stick. On awakening the next day Jackie found Gerard gone along with her purse and everything of value in her home. She didnt care it was worth it and she could replace everything.Where her grandmothers China collection used to be Gerard had left a warm can of what turned out to be the greatest thing Jackie had ever tasted it was ed Pabst Blue Ribbon. Jackie still enjoys seeing Gerard but never at her house anymore always at his place (1972 ElCamino parked behind the bar).

I feel a classic coming on!!

you have a habit of directing the reader what to get from the prose instead of painting the picture and letting the reader see it for themselves.

give me an example of where i do that

or, of course: We all want to be behind that nondescript door, if only to just say that we were.

both good examples. i gave another below.

damn you people are harsh! I'm curious to see an example of what you consider "good writing." i mean, jeez. jeez.

The Cat in the Hat Dr. Seuss

great ideas,, just over written, again. try saying the same thing, but use fewer words,,, get to the heart of what you want, you dont have to paint a mural when a portrait will do,,also, "also in suits but also in white gloves, constantly on guard." who is on guard? the gloves??, restructure the sentences,, then try to pare it down to the essentials, ,

Re Write A crowd of women wearing over priced high heels and men dressed in Mafioso funeral attire smoked and looked uncomfortable standing under their umbrellas in a driving New York city rain. The bouncers stood with well muscled arms in front of a seemingly ordinary door.Occasionally the door opens and smells of sweat and cologne escape only to be dispersed by the rain an instant later. Behind that door is a $125 a head fairytale that last' till 5 am.

I like this one better

MUCH Better,, whoever wrote this